(by Lorie Codispoti)
I’ll never forget the day Tilly died.
I’m not sure how my toddler brain processed the big issues of life, but Tilly was always available to hear them. She was so patient and seemed to understand me perfectly, whether I had the words to express my feelings or not. I was drawn to her because she had freckles (like me), ponytails, and a smile that always made me feel loved and accepted. She was almost as tall as me, but I managed to carry her around with little effort. We walked together every day and she slept with me every night.
Tilly was my first doll baby and my very best friend.
One day I noticed that Tilly was injured. Her large, rubber head had started separating from her fabric body. Over time her insides started making their way to the outside. There were no doll hospitals back then so my mother placed her on the top shelf in my closet. I was very sad because I couldn’t hold her or put her in my little toy stroller for a walk. But I knew where she was and would frequent my closet to talk to her. I knew she didn’t feel good, but even though she was laying down she never stopped smiling. Somehow I felt like she would be okay.
After dinner one evening I went to tell Tilly goodnight, but when I opened my closet door she was not there. I ran to ask my mom if she knew where Tilly was and she told me the devastating news - that Tilly was gone and would not be coming back. She tried to console me by giving me a new doll (every year), but it didn’t work. I never played with baby dolls again.
My mother had no way of knowing how devastated I would be to lose this special doll. After all, I'm sure she surmised that Tilly was a toy and toys could be replaced. It makes perfect sense, but not to a toddler. To me this was a death, and my first encounter with what it feels like to lose something you love.
It's important for children to understand what death is, why it is, and where they can take their grief.
WHAT DEATH IS
Bottom line: death happens when our bodies stop working. But there’s way more to it than that. When we explain the difference between the temporary human body we live in and the eternal part of the human spirit that never dies, children begin to grasp the fact that death is merely a portal.
Be real with them though; God did not create plants, animals, or inanimate objects with a spirit that will live forever. Though Tilly was very real to my little girl heart, she was neither alive nor eternal - as evidenced by the fact that she bled stuffing and maintained that sweet smile throughout the entire time her head was falling off.
Reality can invoke sad emotions, but that’s part of the grieving process. Give your child the time and space to express their pain. It will open the door to many conversations that will enable you to instill the hope and vision of eternity.
WHY DEATH EXISTS
Everything in our world has a beginning and an end, but it was not created to be that way. Death exists because sin came into the world (Rms.5:12), and sin always leads to death (Jms.1:15).
The “Why?” questions our children ask will provide the opportunity for us to remind them of the gospel and the reason Christ came - to rescue us from sin and death (Jn.3:16, 11:25-26). The reason death is temporary is because Christ swallowed it and emerged victorious (1Cor.15:21).
WHERE WE TAKE OUR SORROW
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
Parents play a crucial role in leading their children to the only One who can reach into the darkest places of their soul to provide the exact measure of comfort they need for each and every moment they need it.
It’s okay to tell children that their sorrow will never go completely away. There are some wounds, like those left by the death of a loved one, that leave a permanent scar that will remind us of what caused it every time it rains. One day God will clear all the storms of grief, but until then He provides an umbrella, along with His extended arms to hold us while we cry.
I like what J.R.Tolkien said when he noted that, “The birth, death & resurrection of Jesus means that one day everything sad will come untrue.”
I will never see Tilly again, but the joy I’ve had loving and playing with my real doll babies - the kind that I can take with me - is a delight that will last for all eternity.
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