Before Asserting Consider Kindness

 (by Lorie Codispoti)

After painstakingly going through my cabinets and packing up a few boxes for the second-hand store, I asked my husband if he would mind adding to his list of errands and dropping them off while he was in town. He graciously loaded the boxes and headed out.

When he returned home that day, I could see that he was totally frustrated. He reported that, without even checking the contents of our boxes, the sour faced man receiving our donation sharply chastised him by saying, “You know, it costs us a lot of money to haul away other people’s junk.”

WHAT? Are you kidding me?

The nerve of this guy!

My defenses were triggered and I wanted nothing more than to pay this thankless ingrate a visit. I needed to inform him (aka… set him straight) that I don’t give “junk.” I wanted him to know that it takes more time to wrap all the glass and package things neatly into a box than it would for me to simply throw them away. Not to mention the fact that we live thirty minutes from town and it takes time and effort to deliver this “junk” to them for resale... which, by the way, pays his and his co-worker's salaries. I was hot and he was about to be baked in the oven of my fury.

However, when my defense is triggered like this, I’ve learned that before I move forward with any intention, I need to take a few steps B.A.C.K. (Before Asserting Consider Kindness) and assess my heart.

My prayerful contemplation revealed two very unpleasant things about my motives.

1) I had expectations I shouldn’t have had.

While I may have been cheerfully contributing items that help to support the worthy cause of this organization, I was expecting an equal measure of gratitude as compensation. And when it wasn’t given, the ugly in me was pre-heated.

B.A.C.K lesson: Give without expecting others to reciprocate.

“When you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others…. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret...”(Mt.6:2-4)

I understand that Jesus’ illustration here is hyperbolic, but I also think there’s significance to his literal example. What if - because we have a tendency to give with one hand while expecting accolades placed in the other - the key to “giving in secret” involves spiritually putting our left hand behind our back in order to protect the anonymity of our right hand? What a great way to guard our hearts. Pretty cool way to give too.

2) I reacted just like he did.

My response to Sour Face may not have been in-person, but it was as crass and unkind as his response to my husband. I wanted to make him feel the same way his inappropriate comment made me feel. 



B.A.C.K. lesson: Compassion is stirred when one considers the plight of others.

I was angry with this man for impulsively speaking, without taking the time to investigate the contents of our boxes. Stepping B.A.C.K. enabled me to realize that my retort was just as impulsive, and taking time to consider what might be in his box changed my attitude.

This man is assigned to a portable container, stationed in the corner of a shopping center parking lot. He works in all kinds of weather with no heat or air. I’m sure he deals with all kinds of people and has to sort through plenty of “junk” contributions. When I ponder his condition and consider his predicament, all I want to do is bake the man some cookies, and let the oven of God’s kindness bake off all the ugly in my heart.

(I’m not excusing the man’s rude behavior. He is a representative of his organization. He’s the person every contributor encounters. He failed to examine the contents of our boxes before he spouted his distain, and that is inexcusable.)

The last part of the verses I quoted above says, “And your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” No earthly compensation can compare to the reward of our Heavenly Father.

Like Jesus, not all of our good deeds are received with gratitude. So, be like Him and give without expectation. And when your generosity is met with unkind words, take a few steps B.A.C.K. Consider your words, as well as the circumstance of your offender.

Who knows, you might want to bake a batch of cookies. Serve them on a plate though; boxes don’t present well.