(by Lorie Codispoti)
I like being alone…. but I don’t like being lonely.
Being alone means you are physically by yourself; no one else is with you or around you. I am an introvert by nature, so I like to be alone, especially when I am studying, writing, or creating. A better word for this is solitude, which is something I not only need to function well, but it’s something I crave. There’s something glorious about regularly planned times of solitude. (Ask any mother of small children.)
Loneliness is different. There’s a pain associated with feeling alone. It is an emotional state where one can feel disconnected or isolated even in a gathering of people. I battled this feeling when I was bed-ridden for a year and a half. I cried a lot. Not only was I isolated, but even when I had visitors I felt disconnected. Had it not been for my husband, and the Lord reminding me that He was with me, I think I would have gone stark raving mad. The physical pain mixed with the emotional battle was very real.
Loneliness, in our culture, has surged to epidemic proportions. According to one study (Cigna), three in five adults described themselves as being lonely - and that was before the Covid pandemic. The ones suffering the most are young adults & the elderly. In a world that has given us the means to connect more with others than any previous generation, we are more disconnected than ever. It makes no sense, until it does.
One article I read noted that one of the main contributors to this American epidemic is due to the significant rise of individualism over communalism. This state of being goes against the created order, which should be our first clue that this is not going to end well. We were created in the communal image of our God, who by nature is trinitarian (Father, Son, Holy Spirit). Anything outside of that order is going to have negative consequences.
Scripture gives us the stories of men & women who experienced periods of loneliness. The following are some examples that stand out.
~ Joseph was thrown into a pit by his brothers, & then trafficked by them. Later, he’s falsely accused & thrown into another dark hole (an Egyptian prison), where he spends 14 years with only two companions - a wine-bearer (who quickly forgets him when he’s released) and a baker , whose only release from imprisonment is his death. I can’t even imagine the impact this had on Joseph’s mental health.
~ When someone is lonely they are yearning for deeper relational connections. While I know that Moses & Elijah chose solitude as a means of escape from their circumstances, I have to wonder if the prolonged periods of isolation & disconnection from their communities caused them to also suffer intense bouts of loneliness.
~ King David wrote much of the Psalms, many of which express the wide spectrum of emotions we humans experience throughout our lifetime. In Psalm 25 he cries out to the Lord for help, “Turn to me & be gracious to me, for I am lonely & afflicted.”
~ Jeremiah was a prophet whose story epitomizes what prolonged loneliness feels like. He never married or had children. And because of the truth he preached he was shunned by his community. He lived his life misunderstood, despised by everyone.
~ Job suffered greatly, & even though he had regular visits from his “friends” he was so disconnected from them that he states that his only companions were “jackals & owls.” (Job 30) My guess is that those critters didn’t provide much comfort either.
~ In the New Testament we read the stories of several characters who experienced the effects of being rejected & isolated from their communities - John the Baptist, John the disciple, the woman with the issue of blood, the leprous man, the Samaritan woman, the Apostle Paul, & even Jesus Himself. Given each circumstance, I can only imagine their individual battles.
If we're not careful, loneliness can go from being a feeling to a mindset that can influence our identity & reshape our reality.
So what’s the answer? How do we counter loneliness & change our culture’s promotion & elevation of individualism?
King David's strategy is one we can glean from & follow when we find ourselves in a state of loneliness.
First, he took his pain to the Lord - expressing his lament & his despair. This is evident throughout his writings. We can do the same - run to, not away from, God.
“I am lonely and afflicted, relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.” (Ps 68:5-6)
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before him. God is our refuge" (Ps 62:8)
Next, he took those wayward thoughts captive & preached hope to his soul.
“Why are you cast down, O my soul? & why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance.” (Ps 42:5)
He then chose to praise God in the midst of his anguish.
“I will praise You for the health of my countenance” (Ps 43:5).
God designed us to be relational, interdependent beings who thrive in community. We were not designed to operate as lone rangers.
Our greatest example of what this looks like is our Lord, Jesus Christ. From the time of His incarnation until His death, He modeled relational & communal living. But, He experienced loneliness too. And when He did He carved out times of solitude, but this was not for the purpose of being alone. He stepped away from the crowds so that He could connect with & enjoy His communion with His Father. He then reconnected with the people to love & serve them with joy.
Jesus was never alone, and neither are we if we know Him & are filled with His Spirit.
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